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The Hajo Files

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  #76  
Old April 17th, 2011, 05:59 PM
Hajo Flettner
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Default Re: Rockin’ out with Narghiles, Anteaters and a Bear

I just got to try some Cavendish lula tobacco and it tastes like well made unflavoured, dark Cavendish you'd smoke in a normal pipe except that it has something that reminds me of nugget or perhaps, at times, gum mastic. Oh, they grow gum mastic in Croatia it seems which totally surprised me to find out.

I also ran into a cute Danish girl that is staying at the same hotel in Struga that I was at. What was amazing is that she knew as much about the local treacled tobacco as I have learned. In fact she shared some Cavendish like moassel with me in the lobby which was awesome. Another funny thing is that she likes my band Ethereal Omega which is crazy since I can't imagine how a girl her age even knows about it and it seems she has all of the handful of records/CDs we've put out.
  #77  
Old April 18th, 2011, 03:20 AM
Hajo Flettner
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Default The Hajo Files

I recently had the extreme misfortune of trying out something called Cherry Blossom shisha which is made by Guru which really should be called Evil Play Dough Butcher’s Tobacco.

The colour is a neon red that reminds me of the blood speckled saliva found in sufferers of various exotic tropical diseases. In and of itself that isn't so bad but what I do find disturbing is that such a colour accompanies the smell of play dough since I have happy memories of watching children play with the stuff.

The taste is a truly exotic combo of play dough, cheap Mexican auto air fresheners and some odd chemical that likely was released over Bhopal India back in '84. It's effect on my palate is similar to chewing corn plasters and Glade canisters while watching Rosanne Bar eat roadkill in a thong bikini and stuffing Starbuzz in Usher’s nostrils.

After consulting numerous experts in the darker aspects of occultic mind control and putting my life at great danger I obtained a tape detailing the creation of this sinister concoction and the transcript is as follows after sneaking into Guru tobacco HQ:

Ari Grubman (AG): "It seems that the stars are aligning faster then I thought and when the Outer Gods return we'll miss out on being in on the new cosmic order so i've convened this meeting of the council to come up with a product that will help us win favour with Shub-Niggurath which sure beats an eternity of being a fluffer for it. Anyone have any ideas what our next move should be?"

Demented Harvard MBA (DH MBA) : "Well what we need to do is make a really unique product that will deaden the tastes and resistance of Jersey Shore fans and hookah hipsters everywhere to a non-existence of servitude and death. “

AG: “No shit sherlock. The problem is that Cuzzin’s, Epic, King Moassel and a bunch of other agents of the Outer Gods have already made vast gains in that field. You’ll have a bright future as a concubine for a Mi-Go if you can’t come up with something really impressive.”

DH MBA: “Gulp. Uh, well let’s make something neon red since the dolts that buy faux moassel associate it with fruit but lets add Guinea worm pulp and a lot of expired chemicals we found in an abandoned Glade warehouse outside of El Paso so that the clueless college kids think it’s Starbuzz or Fantasia.

AG: “That sounds great! What do we call this stuff?”

DH MBA: “How about Play Dough Surprise Shisha or Exotic Guineaworm Orgy on the Beach?”

At this point on the tape a sound similar to wet leather slapping Tera Reid as she struggles to swallow a basketball is heard followed by the sound of the anguished cries of a man testing Dupont’s latest napalm followed by prolonged squish.

AG “Looks like we got a new opening in the marketing department. Geez, with names like that I see why corporate America is in trouble. Where in Gehenna is George Soros? ”

George Soros (GS): “Here I am master! Sorry I’m late but you try writing Obama’s next speech while playing tonsil hockey with Hillary Clinton, produce Rebecca Black’s new video and take over Libya at the same if you think you’re cenobite enough. ”

AG: “Yeah well, all that can wait, we’ve got Dagon sized fish to fry right now. Did you hear my ex-marketing director’s new idea for a shisha flavour?”

GS: “Yep, and it’s safe to say those names it won’t be winning an ad awards at Miskatonic University’s business school anytime soon. Besides, our tentacled friends have made it clear we need something new and fresh to sell to hookah weenies and hipsters everywhere. Luckily, I’ve got the greatest concept in marketing since economic shock therapy.

AG: “Thrill me”

GS: “ No problem my dimensional lord and master. I was talking with our colleagues over at Union Carbide in Bhobal India and I’ve discovered that if we take the industrial perfume line that they released in ‘84 and mix it with a certain discontinued Ed Hardy flavouring compound in the right amounts with tobacco leaf that’s been eaten by Rhesus rhesus monkeys we’ll out sell Blue Mist in six months!

AG: “Excellent! So, what do we call this flavour from beyond time and space?”

GS: How about Guru Cherry Blossom?”

AG: “That’ll work. Americans are used to ingesting chemical swill that may actually think it tastes like cherry. The only problem is that some damn traveling salesman named Hajo keeps finding real moassels and sending them to smokers in the U.S. If he keeps doing it literally dozens of people may want something that tastes like tobacco used to taste like ”

GS: “I’m one step ahead of you master! I’ve already seen to it that he got a sample of Guru Cherry Blossom and judging by what I’ve heard that reactionary bastard will smoke it just to say he did”

AG: “Fabulous work Soros! I’ll make sure you get that wild weekend with Jeremy Piven, the vocalist from Steel Panther, a mountain of pork rinds, lube & Four Loko you’ve always wanted.”

At this point on the tape the sound of door bursts open and nasal voice not unlike Steve Urkele’s is heard.

Guru’s Plant Manager: “Master, I’ve some terrible news the free samples of Cherry Blossom that were sent out had less then half the recommended amount of Bhopal perfume then the formula called for!”

At this point on the tape I heard what sounded like what I’ve imagined wet leather slapping against unmentionable portions of the cast of Deliverance while wild hogs are plunged into Blue Mist flavouring agents and a disembodied voice cackling.

AG: “Ugg, so that’s what live action Suggoth Hentai looks like. Now I’ll have to hire a new plant manager. Damn it Soros, why couldn’t Mugabe finish off this Hajo person when he had the chance! If you don’t get this sorted out faster then I can say Abdul Alhazred one hundred times you’ll be longing for my ex-employees fate!

GS: “As you command master!”
  #78  
Old April 19th, 2011, 11:55 PM
Hajo Flettner
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Default Re: Rockin’ out with Narghiles, Anteaters and a Bear

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melvin View Post
Hajo, get well my friend. Also, I laughed loudly when you relayed that the doc was not versed in psy med so piss off! lol indeed!
Yeah I thought that was funny too after some time passed. When I said it I was all pissed off which is usually how I get after being depressed for a while. My father was a physician and really lived up to the noble aspects of the profession which makes me hate most doctors I meet they tend to arrogant fops with egos far greater then their abilities.
  #79  
Old April 19th, 2011, 11:58 PM
Hajo Flettner
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Default Re: Rockin’ out with Narghiles, Anteaters and a Bear

Quote:
Originally Posted by BobMarley View Post
Great story Hajo and I hope you heal well. Good on you for living an adventurous life in the face of adversity.
Thanks BM. I suppose i've pretty much used up the warranty I was given at birth but I plan on using what time I have to the best of my ability since anything else is simply too dreary to contemplate.
  #80  
Old April 23rd, 2011, 01:57 AM
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Default Re: My Ltaest Musical Offerings

Found out that it looks like i'll be playing those tracks and a few more in Saint Petersburg along with some weird cosmic metal band from Italy and a couple of local space rock bands. Apparently, there will be a live recording made which will be issued as a split with some local band. I'll try and put a few a copies aside for any HPers that are interested assuming that it actually happens.

Oh, I'd really like to get some feedback from those of you that got to check out the tunes.

Anyone that wants the tracks just get me an email address and i'll fire them off to you.
  #81  
Old April 25th, 2011, 02:09 AM
Hajo Flettner
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Default Re: Pulevski Sweet Lula Tobac

I too wish I could post photos of the process but I can't imagine they'd let me. In fact, they were rather secretive about the whole process so they didn't tell me nearly as much as I wanted to know. I suppose that they are concerned about what i'd term "industrial methods" getting out since that is what makes the product unique.

One thing I noted was that the shredder they used looks more or less like a bread slicer operated by a foot pedal that like an antique. Typically artisan makers have a few people run what looks like a pizza knife over the leaf which isn't so great from the standpoint of consistency but I found it sort of interesting that cutting/shredding was the only part of the whole process that was mechanized.

Another thing I noted was that the molasses used looked more like English style treacle rather then molasses and a very mild aroma. No one wanted to tell me specifics about the molasses used which was sort of a bummer.
  #82  
Old May 9th, 2011, 02:08 AM
Hajo Flettner
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Default Re: Any metalheads in HookahPro?

Just heard a pretty good metal band called Aggro Cosmos which sounds like the old ass kicking band Bored which is cool but with Kraut style electronics in the background which reminds me of something that would happen when Dave Brock hangs out with Wo Fat or if Bolt Thrower spent too much time listening to Orange Sunshine. Great stuff.

Oh, looks like i'll be getting a video of my death metal band Abyssic playing in Manchester several years back which will likely be both cool and embarrassing.

Also, who ever wanted the tabs to Four Corners I'm afraid I've no idea since I haven't played that tune in years.
  #83  
Old June 7th, 2011, 01:08 AM
Hajo Flettner
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Default The Hajo Files

The Al Fassi brand in Libya makes a fine jurak called Al Atassi which a very few here have gotten as a result of a little micro contest I ran recently.

In terms of bowls it really should be smoked out of a small cedar or palm wood jurak bowl but since those are impossible to get outside of rural North Africa substitutes are needed. I have found that the Super Chief and Vortex bowls work well with Al Atassi and that funnels, Egyptian, Gozas and Syrian bowls are unsuitable.

Packing takes a bit of work but basically pack it lightly using the "fluff" method all the way to the top of bowl before depressing it with a oyster fork about a third of the way down from the rim and then sprinkle on a bit more to bring it within about 3-4mm from the rim. Ideally you should use a very thin brass screen as that is what it intended for this sort of jurak. Since such screens are rare in the West I suggest that you use a single sheet of heavy duty foil with medium sized holes placed in columns about 3-4mm apart with each column having 4 holes at the ends and 7 or 8 holes at the center.

Unlike most North African juraks Al Atassi doesn't require epic amounts of heat. I suggest three coals which should be allowed to sit for three or four minutes prior to smoking. I have found that Al Atassi can become harsh if exposed to too much heat so I strongly recommend that the coals be rotated every 4-5 minutes. When the coals get to be perhaps two thirds or so consumed add a single coal cut in half and rotate as before.

If you manage the heat properly you should be able to get a solid 90 minute session although 120 minutes sessions are possible with a wind cover and a good bit of care before the tastes go south.

Like all Al Fassi products Al Atassi is fairly strong and it does have a higher nicotine content then the Hill Brother's Treasure Jurak so take it slow and easy.

I have found that although the Al Atassi meant to be smoked with Arabic coffee with Cardamon Chinese Green tea (iced or hot) works well although my preferred drink with it is iced Spanish coffee with 25% real cream (which is what I am having with it now) is best. However, Spanish coffee served the traditional way is also excellent.
  #84  
Old October 29th, 2011, 04:49 PM
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kalutika
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Default The Hajo Files

I have been working to compile helpful, interesting and informative posts that Hajo had posted over the years. Don't mind the mess while I work on this in my free time. Feel free to comment and suggest posts through PM. I have a lot to go through.

Last edited by kalutika; July 20th, 2012 at 08:21 PM.
  #85  
Old December 15th, 2013, 03:01 AM
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kalutika
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Default Re: The Hajo Files

I have been combing through the archives and added some more to this post. He is still giving me new pointers to this day.
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